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WHAT DOCTORS DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE DRUGS THEY PRESCRIBE

4 Dec

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PUNK ROCK AEROBICS

17 Jul

HOUSE GYMNASTICS

17 Jul

HOME WORKOUT – INTEGRATED EXERCISE TOP 10

17 Jul

SLEEP – THE INFOGRAPHICS SHOW

17 Jul

HOW HEALTHY LIVING NEARLY KILLED ME

11 Jul

HOMEOPATHIC A&E

7 Jul

A doctor called SIMON (Robert Webb) enters with a NURSE. They are pushing a trolley on which is lying a badly injured patient.

SIMON What have we got?

NURSE. Broken arm, suspected internal injuries, severe contusions to the head.

SIMON Then we need to move fast, prep me a solution of Arnica montana, stat.

NURSE Strength?

SIMON  One part in a million.

NURSE  Are you sure? It looks serious.

SIMON  You’re right, we need to strengthen the dose. One part in ten million.

NURSE  On it doctor.

A CONSULTANT (David Mitchell) arrives.

CONSULTANT  Hear you’ve got a tricky one.

SIMON (to consultant)  Nothing we can’t handle.(Shouts to nurse) Get me some wolf’s bane, also known as monk’s hood, in here! And a whole tray of flower remedies!

CONSULTANT (waving his hands over the patient)  Woah, his chakras are fading. He’ll need some crystals.

SIMON Nurse, fetch me some purple-tinted quartz.

The consultant looks at him skeptically.

SIMON  Damnit, you’re right, make that aquamarine quartz.

CONSULTANT  Good call.

SIMON  Okay, he’s stabilising. Now, does anybody know what sort of car hit him?

NURSE  Blue Ford Mondeo apparently.

SIMON  Right, get me a bit of Blue Ford Mondeo, put it in water, shake it, dilute it, shake it again, dilute it again, do some more shaking, dilute it some more, then put three drops on his tongue. If that doesn’t cure him, I don’t know what will.

CONSULTANT  You should have a look at this Simon.

SIMON  What is it?

The consultant is examining the patient’s palm.

CONSULTANT  I don’t think this poor chap’s got long to live.

SIMON  Why not?

CONSULTANT  His life-line, very short.

He picks up and scans a newspaper.

CONSULTANT (CONT’D)  And his horoscope’s not too clever either. “Sagittarius, brace yourself for a surprise, things are about to change for you.”

SIMON  Certainly are, unless… Wait!

CONSULTANT What?

SIMON  We could try drawing a bit more life-line on with biro.

CONSULTANT  It’ll never work!

SIMON  You got a better idea? Let’s see what happens.

Simon draws on the patient’s hand with his pen, who suddenly moans in pain then slumps back dead.

SIMON  Damnit. Time of death, Three thirty four…

He looks across at the clock, which is a triangular-shaped new-age one.

SIMON (CONT’D)  -ish.

IN THE BAR LATER

Simon is sitting at the bar, looking unhappy. The consultant approaches him.

CONSULTANT  Tough day, eh?

SIMON  I just can’t stand losing them.

CONSULTANT  It happens.

SIMON  I don’t know, sometimes I think a trace solution of deadly nightshade, or a statistically neglible quantity of arsenic, just isn’t enough.

CONSULTANT  That’s crazy talk Simon. Okay, so you kill the odd patient with cancer or heart disease. Or bronchitis, flu, chicken pox or measles. But, when someone comes in with a vague sense of unease, or a touch of the nerves, or even just more money than sense, you’ll be there for them. Bottle of basically just water in one hand, and a huge invoice in the other.

SIMON  I suppose you’re right.

CONSULTANT  Now, another drink?

SIMON  I need one.

CONSULTANT (To barmaid)  Excuse me! Two more homeopathic lagers please.

The barmaid holds two full pints of water under a beer tap, adding a couple of drops to each. She hands the glasses to the two doctors. Each takes a sip.

SIMON  Woah, that’s strong stuff.